I like the first couple of paragraphs because gives us reason to believe that Ian is trying to get away from something. Sadly, it seems like he is something of a wimp when we learn that he is afraid of his sister.
Claire seems to have a knack for stating the obvious. We see this when she says, “My husband is home…where he belongs.” While the reader is not yet aware of this, Claire and Ian are, so it comes across as if Claire is talking for the benefit of the reader instead of Ian. We see it again when she says, “You saved my marriage…and my family.”
In the statement, “So you don’t remember which of your idle remarks might’ve done that” we get the impression that Claire has deeper insight into the situation than has been previously revealed. It isn’t clear that she knows anything other than that her husband has returned home, yet she describes Ian’s remarks as idle.
One way to help this might be to start the scene a little earlier. Also, let the narrator talk. You might start at the point where her husband walks in the door, show Claire’s reaction, have the narrator explain why she is reacting the way she is and have Ian exit while Claire is still in shock from seeing her husband.
The swing from Claire’s problems to Ian’s problems seems quite abrupt. If the point of the scene is to reveal Ian’s problems, it might be helped by showing the scene where Ian goes to talk to Davy. By doing that, you can show the struggle that he faces by doing that rather than talking about that struggle later.
RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME: I've published five novels and 2 novellas (more about those on my website.) I've been writing all my life, but decided in 2007 to get serious about being published.
I love action movies and Jane Austen. (she’s dead, I know. I found that out when I tried to get her to endorse my novel)
They let me playBass guitar and sing in a worship band.
I can produce 4 dozen homemade cinnamon rolls in a flash for a crowd of drooling young adults. Or publishing house editors.
I used to have a Harley. Now we have seven grandkiddos. Decent trade, really.
I am a proud Grammy. Don't even think about taking candy from my babies.
I hate shopping (Yes, I'm aware that I'm a girl)
MY ROOTS: I've lived in Oregon all my life, spent time in Eugene (Go DUCKS!), Springfield, Reedsport, and Smith River. Which is not really a town, but a river, about 70 miles long, a tributary of the Umpqua River in southwest Oregon.
Although it's not a town, it is a community with a strong sense of pioneer history. It's cool to say you've lived there, especially if you lived there during the days when you had to take a boat to school. No joke! The old farmhouse my grandfather and my mother grew up in still stands, nestled into a narrow, pasture carpeted valley, complete with a swimmin' hole and its own 'crick'. It may turn up in one of my novels.
There's a rumor that my ancestors had a connection with the Mafia back in Sicily. I used to fantasize as a kid about a big black limo with tinted windows pulling up and whisking me away from school. Ahhh. So THAT'S why I'm having so much trouble conjugating my dangling participles now.
NOT RANDOM:I am challenged by the truth and amazed by the grace of God. And it's either in spite of or because of that grace that I hold a PhD in Learning Stuff the Hard Way.
2 comments:
Here are a few of my thoughts:
I like the first couple of paragraphs because gives us reason to believe that Ian is trying to get away from something. Sadly, it seems like he is something of a wimp when we learn that he is afraid of his sister.
Claire seems to have a knack for stating the obvious. We see this when she says, “My husband is home…where he belongs.” While the reader is not yet aware of this, Claire and Ian are, so it comes across as if Claire is talking for the benefit of the reader instead of Ian. We see it again when she says, “You saved my marriage…and my family.”
In the statement, “So you don’t remember which of your idle remarks might’ve done that” we get the impression that Claire has deeper insight into the situation than has been previously revealed. It isn’t clear that she knows anything other than that her husband has returned home, yet she describes Ian’s remarks as idle.
One way to help this might be to start the scene a little earlier. Also, let the narrator talk. You might start at the point where her husband walks in the door, show Claire’s reaction, have the narrator explain why she is reacting the way she is and have Ian exit while Claire is still in shock from seeing her husband.
The swing from Claire’s problems to Ian’s problems seems quite abrupt. If the point of the scene is to reveal Ian’s problems, it might be helped by showing the scene where Ian goes to talk to Davy. By doing that, you can show the struggle that he faces by doing that rather than talking about that struggle later.
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